If World War 1 was a Bar Fight


Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete …new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Ottoman and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany.

Austria punches Russia.

Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over.

Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there.

Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Ottoman and gets punched back.

There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, gets back up, staggers back into the bar and carries on fighting by attempting to kick Germany in the balls while he hides behind Britain’s skirt.

Russia gets thrown through another window, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change and starts punching itself in the face.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway.

Italy raises both fists in the air and runs ’round the room chanting inane Italian taunts.


America watches the belligerents until Britain and France are about to fall over from sustained punching from Germany.

Shakes her head in disgust, contempt and resignation.

Then walks over and ends the fight by by smashing Germany over the head with a bar stool

Yells; “I gotta stop partying with these belligerent assholes!”

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault.

While Germany is still unconscious, Britain and France go through its pockets, steal its wallet and buy drinks for all their friends.

Russia inexplicably continues to punch himself in the face.

Just for the hell of it, Britain and France take Ottoman out to the back alley and shake her down.  She has no money so they take her clothes instead.

After everyone else leaves and Germany is still unconscious on the floor, France buggers Germany and smashes the Kraut over the head with a wine bottle one last time.

Germany awakens several hours later and vows revenge on the French.

(I was sent this on facebook by a Scottish friend.  It was a bit skewed so I fixed it.  Original here.)

Senator Mitch McConnell honors William “Mr. Wildcat” Keightley on the Senate Floor

Mr. President, I rise today to pay tribute to a man who was a fixture of Kentucky basketball, with a fervent passion for competition and a fast loyalty to his country, his State, and his beloved University of Kentucky Wildcats.

Bill Keightley, affectionately known as “Mr. Wildcat,” passed away recently at the age of 81. He embodied the spirit and tradition that is Kentucky basketball. Born William Bond Keightley in 1926, Mr. Keightley was an All-State center for the Kavanaugh High School basketball team in his hometown of Lawrenceburg, KY.

He later enlisted in the U.S. Marine Corps and bravely served his country during World War II. After the war, Mr. Keightley spent much of his young adulthood working as a mail carrier.

Then in 1962, his friend and fellow postman George Hukle asked him to help out washing jerseys and towels for the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team. Over the next 4 1/2 decades, he proved himself indispensable as the school’s top cheerleader, ambassador of goodwill and confidante to players and coaches alike.

“Mr. Bill,” as he was called by friends and family, witnessed three national championships, befriended six head coaches, and cared for hundreds of players over his long career.

Loved by fans and respected by opponents, he earned a permanent seat on the Kentucky bench at every game. In fact, Mr. Keightley attended more than 1,400 UK basketball games, nearly 60 percent of all games ever recorded. And former UK basketball coach Orlando “Tubby” Smith points out that “it has been . . . us [coaches] sitting next to him,
not him sitting next to us.”

Mr. Keightley often served as a father-like figure to the players, and many recall his talks with “his boys” on anything from Kentucky sports to lessons of integrity and pride. “Players, coaches, and athletic directors come and go, but Bill Keightley was constant,” says Kenny Walker, a friend and former UK player.

John Pelphrey, member of the “Unforgettable” 1992 Wildcats team and now head coach at Arkansas University, says: For 48 years, Mr. Bill looked over coaches and student-athletes with love and care that only a father could give…every time we had an encounter, there was a hearty hello,a hug, and a laugh, every single time, just like the first time.

In 1997, Mr. Bill’s jersey was elevated into the rafters of Rupp Arena, making him one of only two people to receive this honor without having taken to the court to play the game.

In 2005, he was entered with the charter class into the UK Athletics Hall of Fame. The equipment room in Lexington’s Memorial Coliseum was named in his honor, and he humbly presided over it until his unfortunate passing this past March 31.

Noted Lexington sportscaster and friend Dave Baker says of Mr. Keightley:

He knew just when to lend a hand to the young man from Appalachia who was adjusting to the big city, or a young man who had been recruited from out-of-state and was getting accustomed to a brand new life in Kentucky. Mr. Keightley lived his life as a celebration.

Perhaps the most lasting tribute to Bill began in 2002, when the University of Kentucky athletic department presented its first Bill Keightley Award to the individual “who exemplifies the pride, respect, and positive attributes” associated with the University of Kentucky basketball program. They still present this award annually, to honor Mr. Bill.

UK followers and basketball lovers across the Commonwealth have lost the sport’s No. 1 fan. And I know I speak for all of them when I say our prayers and best wishes of support go out to his family, including his wife, Hazel; and his daughter and son-in-law, Karen and Alden Marlowe.

UK President Lee Todd, Jr., best expressed what many Kentuckians are feeling when he said that we have “lost someone who was not only the face of Kentucky Wildcat basketball, but the University itself.” I second his words, and add to them my own: We will not soon forget the loyalty, passion, and dedication to excellence that Bill Keightley

I yield the floor.