If World War 1 was a Bar Fight

https://i2.wp.com/www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/pathways/firstworldwar/maps/map_images/Europe1914.gif

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete …new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Ottoman and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany.

Austria punches Russia.

Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over.

Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there.

Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Ottoman and gets punched back.

There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, gets back up, staggers back into the bar and carries on fighting by attempting to kick Germany in the balls while he hides behind Britain’s skirt.

Russia gets thrown through another window, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change and starts punching itself in the face.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway.

Italy raises both fists in the air and runs ’round the room chanting inane Italian taunts.

BRITAIN AND FRANCE START WHINING THAT THEY NEED HELP FROM AMERICA.

America watches the belligerents until Britain and France are about to fall over from sustained punching from Germany.

Shakes her head in disgust, contempt and resignation.

Then walks over and ends the fight by by smashing Germany over the head with a bar stool

Yells; “I gotta stop partying with these belligerent assholes!”

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault.

While Germany is still unconscious, Britain and France go through its pockets, steal its wallet and buy drinks for all their friends.

Russia inexplicably continues to punch himself in the face.

Just for the hell of it, Britain and France take Ottoman out to the back alley and shake her down.  She has no money so they take her clothes instead.

After everyone else leaves and Germany is still unconscious on the floor, France buggers Germany and smashes the Kraut over the head with a wine bottle one last time.

Germany awakens several hours later and vows revenge on the French.

(I was sent this on facebook by a Scottish friend.  It was a bit skewed so I fixed it.  Original here.)

Entertaining the Troops!

Bollywood starlet Tania Zaetta

accused of sex with soldiers in

Afghanistan

A Bollywood starlet who made her name going beyond the call of duty in Who Dares Wins, an Australian TV stunt show, has been accused of having sex with soldiers while on a tour to entertain troops in Afghanistan.

Tania Zaetta (above) was named in a confidential briefing paper to Australia’s Defence Minister as having slept with special forces soldiers last month at a military base in Tarin Kowt, the capital of Oruzgan province. Pictures and a video were said to have been taken.

But Australia’s military was in retreat last night, admitting that it broke its privacy regulations by naming the actress, 37, in the confidential note intended for Joel Fitzgibbon, the Defence Minister.

The Defence Department apologised to Zaetta for the leak, and Mr Fitzgibbon said he had ordered an inquiry into how the document — officially referred to as a “hot issues brief” — became public.

Zaetta, who has appeared on Baywatch and Mission Implausible, a British pay-TV show, denied the allegations and said there had been little opportunity to be alone with any soldier, even if she had wanted to be.

“How does a supposed document . . . that I don’t know about get leaked in the first place — that’s a little bit concerning about the security of the country,” she said.

“It’s complete lies . . . apart from being hurtful, it’s damaging to a woman’s career, to her reputation.” The Government now faces a potential compensation payout after she sought legal advice over the claims, which the document said had been made by Angry Anderson, a veteran Australian rock star and fellow tour performer.

Kevin Rudd, the Prime Minister, reluctantly commented on the scandal, which drew criticism from the opposition conservative Liberal Party over invasion of privacy. “These matters are under investigation within the Defence Department and I will leave it for that investigation to reach its own conclusions,” Mr Rudd said.

Anderson, the bald former frontman for the rock band Rose Tattoo, denied that he had made a complaint.

Another performer said the entertainers had been told that they would breach Defence Force regulations if they fraternised with the troops. “I have heard of quickies but I have never heard of anything that quick . . . a tour like that is hard work,” John Clinton, of the country rock band the Wolverines, said.

Zaetta co-hosted the 1990s television show Who Dares Wins. She has featured in several Bollywood productions including a recent Charlie’s Angels-style hit, Mr. Black, Mr. White.

Too bad she didn’t visit Herat. lol